“You want to
remarry?? At this age?? You can’t be serious!!”
This
is one of the most typical response one gets, when one thinks of marrying again
in old age. There are still some pockets in our country where sati pratha is
practiced. Then there is a major pocket where life is considered useless,
meaningless after death of the spouse. Remarriage is considered a major taboo,
a gesture of no-love and lack of loyalty for the ex-spouse. In old age, when a
person takes such a decision, it always raises many eyebrows, claiming the
person to be characterless and what not.
“Why do you want to do such a thing??”
This
is one question which the person, who is going to marry again in old age, has
to answer. Sometimes, the person himself/herself doesn’t know the real reason
for taking the step. But a little idea of circumstances that lead to this
decision will surely help us be more empathetic toward the person.
Ø Death of spouse: this is one of the
most common reasons behind remarriage in old age. When the person is done with
his/her duties and kids move on with their own lives, one starts feeling
lonely. With everyone around busy, one finds it very difficult to move on
without someone to share feelings. Retirement often occurs at this point, which
makes loneliness even more unbearable.
Ø Already divorced: this is perhaps the
second most common reason. Some stress leads to separation from the spouse.
Social and interpersonal factors after divorce often lead to feelings of
isolation in later years.
Ø Mental distress by the
spouse:
§ Too busy (which leads to avoidance
of relationship): in some cases a spouse is too busy to cater to even basic
needs of the better half. Meena (name changed) found her life going in no
direction when her husband started spending weekdays at office and weekends at
golf course or clubs with business associates. Late nights were becoming too
frequent because of office parties and meetings. He would go out of town or
even country suddenly without informing Meena. Initially she would get frantic
in her efforts to gain his attention. Slowly anger crept in and she would get
mad at him for being so careless with her. In few years, all feelings
evaporated and she sought for some life outside marital ties. In her middle
thirties she started working herself. She found someone at office, whom she liked
very much. In few years time, she decided to call off her marriage and marry
her colleague. There are many women like Meena. Also there are many men who
suffer like Meena did, because many times women also get too involved in work,
some social or religious organization, to an extent of completely ignoring
family.
§ Too punitive: it is a factor not so
commonly thought of for old couples, but the fact remains that there are people
who are very punitive and harsh towards their spouses even in old age. Some
spouses submit to this nature and let destiny take charge. But some take steps
against this mental persecution. There have been cases where the spouse has
left for old age homes because of the mental stress at home and has found
solace in someone over there.
§ Addiction (which leads to mental,
physical or financial distress): Mr. Sinha (name changed) lost his young son in
a tragic accident. The loss was too unbearable and he resorted to alcohol, to
numb himself from the suffering. Mrs. Sinha, who was already in a great
emotional pit, found herself absolutely helpless and lonely to see her husband
drowning himself in drinks. She found him absent when they both needed each
other most. She tried her best to take him out but in vain. Her husband was
becoming more and more careless regarding financial matters. He started abusing
her also. She finally couldn’t take it anymore and decided to quit.
§ Infidelity: Naughty forties! Many
men and women feel an upsurge of romance in their forties. We have heard of
many bosses having an affair with their secretaries. Serious or multiple
affairs often lead to divorce and remarriage.
Ø Defiance: this may sound very
unusual, but there may be a streak of defiance in a person. In our culture,
where even divorce is not fully accepted, remarriage remains a taboo till date.
A defiant attitude may make the person do something which he knows will not be
accepted and appreciated. This attitude may be consciously present or may be
harboring in the unconscious mind. The person may not be fully aware as so why
he wants to call off his happy married life and take this course. It often
comes as a shock to the family and friends, who have seen the couple to be happy
with each other and where separation could never come into the picture.
Ø Perversion (which can cause a
sense of sexual dissatisfaction from the spouse): This may be widely present
around us but least talked about. A pervert desire to do something unusual in
sex often leaves the partner perturbed. Nowadays couples talk freely about
their fantasies and desires related to sex. If some pervert desire takes the
shape of aggressive demand from the partner, what gets precipitated is sexual
dissatisfaction. Sadism is perhaps the most common form of perversion in sexual
relations. In some cases, this tendency has been seen to creep in, during the
transition phase between middle age and old age. Sexual responses change
drastically in this phase and disgust may replace pleasure. Unsatisfied needs
may hunt for another partner.
Ø Marrying a much younger
or older person: Many
movies have been made on this controversial issue. Many novels have been
written. People protest against such movies and novels, but the protest doesn’t
eradicate the existence of incest. Many old people give up their happy married
life to get married to someone their child’s age or even grandchild’s age.
Also, it often comes to us as a shock when we hear a young girl wishes to marry
an old man. We find ourselves wondering..why
would someone do such a thing!
Ø Someone else seems to be
of one’s own wave length in terms of status, education, values etc.: This often attracts a
person to such an extent that he/she may want to call off a wonderful married
life. No sexual dissatisfaction, no trauma in the marital life, but finding an
alter ego in someone can be very exciting. The initial plutonic relationship
may slowly change into need and dependence and finally the wish to be with the
person forever.
“Have you thought of the consequences??”
“Ah, I will be happier.”
One
wishes to think that way. But unfortunately it may not be so. There are two
major consequences that remarriage brings along.
Ø Social outcast: we like to believe
that we are very modern today and we can accept many unusual things happening
around. But the truth remains that when it comes to marital relations, we still
have a very restrained mind. We believe strongly in “happily-ever-after”
concept. It’s mainly for this reason that many times we look at the
celebrities’ relationships with skepticism, because we often hear about them
having divorce and remarriage. When we come across a person who has just
divorced, we feel we shouldn’t let our children mix up with him/her. When we
come across someone who has remarried, we cast a very doubtful glance on
him/her. We always tend to feel, “there must be something wrong with him/her”.
We tend to outcast the person. We hold his/her opinions valueless. This
discrimination can become very unbearable depending on the kind of society and
place one is living in.
Ø Emotional baggage: whether one would like
to accept or not, we do carry a lot of emotional baggage from the previous
relationships. Our past relationships mould our present perceptions. Past memories
are not so easy to go, be those good or bad. They stick in our mind as
benchmarks for comparisons. Same thing happens in marriage also. One gets
frequently haunted by old memories; burdened by old responsibilities or by the
guilt of not fulfilling those responsibilities; children, friends, relatives,
colleagues, places, anniversaries, the list is endless, which constantly remind
one of the past. Very often, children feel embarrassed about their parents
divorce. When one parent decides to remarry in old age, children feel extremely
ashamed about it. They feel embarrassed in front of their own spouses and
children. They may fail to give any support to their parents in this period of
need. It totally depends on the sensitivity and maturity of the new couple how
they handle this barrage of emotional influx.
Once
we know what we are getting into, it becomes easier for us to assess the
situation well and be prepared for many things. Re-marriage in old age shouldn’t
be an impulsive decision.
