Remarriage in old age

 “You want to remarry?? At this age?? You can’t be serious!!”

This is one of the most typical response one gets, when one thinks of marrying again in old age. There are still some pockets in our country where sati pratha is practiced. Then there is a major pocket where life is considered useless, meaningless after death of the spouse. Remarriage is considered a major taboo, a gesture of no-love and lack of loyalty for the ex-spouse. In old age, when a person takes such a decision, it always raises many eyebrows, claiming the person to be characterless and what not.

“Why do you want to do such a thing??”

This is one question which the person, who is going to marry again in old age, has to answer. Sometimes, the person himself/herself doesn’t know the real reason for taking the step. But a little idea of circumstances that lead to this decision will surely help us be more empathetic toward the person.

Ø   Death of spouse: this is one of the most common reasons behind remarriage in old age. When the person is done with his/her duties and kids move on with their own lives, one starts feeling lonely. With everyone around busy, one finds it very difficult to move on without someone to share feelings. Retirement often occurs at this point, which makes loneliness even more unbearable.

Ø   Already divorced: this is perhaps the second most common reason. Some stress leads to separation from the spouse. Social and interpersonal factors after divorce often lead to feelings of isolation in later years.

Ø   Mental distress by the spouse:

§  Too busy (which leads to avoidance of relationship): in some cases a spouse is too busy to cater to even basic needs of the better half. Meena (name changed) found her life going in no direction when her husband started spending weekdays at office and weekends at golf course or clubs with business associates. Late nights were becoming too frequent because of office parties and meetings. He would go out of town or even country suddenly without informing Meena. Initially she would get frantic in her efforts to gain his attention. Slowly anger crept in and she would get mad at him for being so careless with her. In few years, all feelings evaporated and she sought for some life outside marital ties. In her middle thirties she started working herself. She found someone at office, whom she liked very much. In few years time, she decided to call off her marriage and marry her colleague. There are many women like Meena. Also there are many men who suffer like Meena did, because many times women also get too involved in work, some social or religious organization, to an extent of completely ignoring family.

§  Too punitive: it is a factor not so commonly thought of for old couples, but the fact remains that there are people who are very punitive and harsh towards their spouses even in old age. Some spouses submit to this nature and let destiny take charge. But some take steps against this mental persecution. There have been cases where the spouse has left for old age homes because of the mental stress at home and has found solace in someone over there.

§  Addiction (which leads to mental, physical or financial distress): Mr. Sinha (name changed) lost his young son in a tragic accident. The loss was too unbearable and he resorted to alcohol, to numb himself from the suffering. Mrs. Sinha, who was already in a great emotional pit, found herself absolutely helpless and lonely to see her husband drowning himself in drinks. She found him absent when they both needed each other most. She tried her best to take him out but in vain. Her husband was becoming more and more careless regarding financial matters. He started abusing her also. She finally couldn’t take it anymore and decided to quit. 

§  Infidelity: Naughty forties! Many men and women feel an upsurge of romance in their forties. We have heard of many bosses having an affair with their secretaries. Serious or multiple affairs often lead to divorce and remarriage.

Ø   Defiance: this may sound very unusual, but there may be a streak of defiance in a person. In our culture, where even divorce is not fully accepted, remarriage remains a taboo till date. A defiant attitude may make the person do something which he knows will not be accepted and appreciated. This attitude may be consciously present or may be harboring in the unconscious mind. The person may not be fully aware as so why he wants to call off his happy married life and take this course. It often comes as a shock to the family and friends, who have seen the couple to be happy with each other and where separation could never come into the picture.

Ø   Perversion (which can cause a sense of sexual dissatisfaction from the spouse): This may be widely present around us but least talked about. A pervert desire to do something unusual in sex often leaves the partner perturbed. Nowadays couples talk freely about their fantasies and desires related to sex. If some pervert desire takes the shape of aggressive demand from the partner, what gets precipitated is sexual dissatisfaction. Sadism is perhaps the most common form of perversion in sexual relations. In some cases, this tendency has been seen to creep in, during the transition phase between middle age and old age. Sexual responses change drastically in this phase and disgust may replace pleasure. Unsatisfied needs may hunt for another partner.

Ø   Marrying a much younger or older person: Many movies have been made on this controversial issue. Many novels have been written. People protest against such movies and novels, but the protest doesn’t eradicate the existence of incest. Many old people give up their happy married life to get married to someone their child’s age or even grandchild’s age. Also, it often comes to us as a shock when we hear a young girl wishes to marry an old man. We find ourselves wondering..why would someone do such a thing!

Ø   Someone else seems to be of one’s own wave length in terms of status, education, values etc.: This often attracts a person to such an extent that he/she may want to call off a wonderful married life. No sexual dissatisfaction, no trauma in the marital life, but finding an alter ego in someone can be very exciting. The initial plutonic relationship may slowly change into need and dependence and finally the wish to be with the person forever.

  

“Have you thought of the consequences??”

“Ah, I will be happier.”

One wishes to think that way. But unfortunately it may not be so. There are two major consequences that remarriage brings along.

Ø   Social outcast: we like to believe that we are very modern today and we can accept many unusual things happening around. But the truth remains that when it comes to marital relations, we still have a very restrained mind. We believe strongly in “happily-ever-after” concept. It’s mainly for this reason that many times we look at the celebrities’ relationships with skepticism, because we often hear about them having divorce and remarriage. When we come across a person who has just divorced, we feel we shouldn’t let our children mix up with him/her. When we come across someone who has remarried, we cast a very doubtful glance on him/her. We always tend to feel, “there must be something wrong with him/her”. We tend to outcast the person. We hold his/her opinions valueless. This discrimination can become very unbearable depending on the kind of society and place one is living in.

Ø   Emotional baggage: whether one would like to accept or not, we do carry a lot of emotional baggage from the previous relationships. Our past relationships mould our present perceptions. Past memories are not so easy to go, be those good or bad. They stick in our mind as benchmarks for comparisons. Same thing happens in marriage also. One gets frequently haunted by old memories; burdened by old responsibilities or by the guilt of not fulfilling those responsibilities; children, friends, relatives, colleagues, places, anniversaries, the list is endless, which constantly remind one of the past. Very often, children feel embarrassed about their parents divorce. When one parent decides to remarry in old age, children feel extremely ashamed about it. They feel embarrassed in front of their own spouses and children. They may fail to give any support to their parents in this period of need. It totally depends on the sensitivity and maturity of the new couple how they handle this barrage of emotional influx.

 Once we know what we are getting into, it becomes easier for us to assess the situation well and be prepared for many things. Re-marriage in old age shouldn’t be an impulsive decision.